It’s been a while. I haven’t spoken to anyone on Earth since I died in 269. HAHAHAHA 69! Hahahaha. That number always makes me laugh, hilarious!!
No one knows anything about me, really. Except that my name was Valentine, I probably died on a road, I died for Jesus, and I married some people against the City of Rome’s wishes. Why didn’t the world take the opportunity to make February 14—-my feast day since the Middle Ages—-a road day? Like why aren’t we celebrating roads if that’s the only thing they were kind of sure about? I’m not offended that I died on a road, guys! That road GOT me places. It got me away from love, which I hate. Except for Jesus! LOVE that guy. If I don’t mention how much I love Jesus I might get kicked out of Saint Cloud, which is the mansion for Saints in Heaven, NOT a town in Minnesota. St. Francis of Assisi was gaurdian angelling the guy who founded that town, so he planted the name in the guy’s head. So now every time some bumfuck from Middle America dies, they apply to live in Saint Cloud, which is RIDICULOUS because none of them were martyrs who are eligible for shitty feast days.
But I am not here to talk about Heaven’s politics. It’s trying to be laid back like Canada, but it’s worse than the United States up here, guys. There I go again! I’m crazy!
I don’t love anything and I never did. So why? WHY? Why is Valentine’s Day? Why aren’t we celebrating the roads that get people laid, or to the grocery store? Would you get kissed or get pizza if there weren’t roads? I don’t think so! You wouldn’t walk through a forest to get a tongue or a pepperoni in your mouth. Along with love, my feast day celebrates all the other things I hated, while ignoring the one thing in the world I loved (besides Jesus!!) when I was alive: ROADS, duh!!!! I hate:
-doves (that’s Noah’s thing, and I’m scared of him)
-balloons (there are SO MANY up here)
-candlelight (reminds me of church, which reminds me of why I died and how dying for
Jesus isn’t really worth living in a cloud with a bunch of phonies and getting a stupid feast
-red (blood makes me vom!!)
-cards (just another thing to put in the TRASH, along with my stupid feast day)
Again, why not celebrate roads on my feast day? Just because somebody dies somewhere doesn’t mean they hate it there. I guess when people can’t figure out a person’s identity they just use them as a reason to have a holiday to fuck each other. Shame on you, committee who created this monstrosity of a holiday!!! Why can’t I have a feast day where kids get presents in their shoes? ST. NICHOLAS HAS THE BEST ONE AND HE IS A DIRT BAG. He once told me I look like what God told him Christian Slater is gonna look when he dies at age 114. When I died, I went back to my youthful, late-teens-early-twenties form because I was such a stand-up-and-get-murdered-for-God guy.
This February 14, leave your love in your pants and use some roads!
P.S: GUESS WHAT?? If I did marry anyone while I was alive, they were gay Romans. I’m not saying I married anyone, but I’m not saying I didn’t.
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Originally published on Medium